Holidays

Holidays are boring... Wanna find a job but can't find any suitable. I don't want to be a waiter or any job which I always have to smile 24/7 because I hate fake smiles..

And... She emailed me with a letter. I don't know what to say but it makes me think so much again.. Not feeling any better since I started the med too. Sighh.. Damn tired of life with so many problems here and there.

I need a yumcha session soon to relax. But with med I can't drive after it so I need someone to fetch me.. And that isn't good because they all depend on me for transport=.=" Money money money... I need money for yumcha but I'm broke wtf.

Holidays

Having my holidays now and just got back from a trip with my classmates to Wee Chuen's kampung and to Melaka on Monday.

Wee Chuen's kampung was a very nice place to be at. On the first day itself we went for a 1hour plus stroll around the kampung. After the stroll we prepared for the bbq session. Ate chicken wings, sausages, fish balls, tomyam soup, and corn. That night itself we slept damn late even though we have to wake up at 6 the next day =.="  But I didn't get any sleep at all. Just can't get my mind cleared again.

The next day, morning everyone had difficulty to wake up haha.. Then when we were about to leave for Melaka,  something happen. Hon Loong doesn't want to go =.=" Because of him 6 of us had to squeeze in JY's car wtf. That wasn't the only bad thing that happened. Reached A'Famosa and it was on maintenance every Tuesday!! Damn.Wasted trip to there. In the end went Melaka to walk around, buy delicacies and have lunch. But the trip was worth it. Getting able to enjoy the trip with friends is priceless.

Exams is over

Well, exams is over..... But I'm not really happy about it also. To celebrate the ending of my exams, I incurred a burn in my pocket. Around Rm200-400.. Don't really know. Because I scratched a car just now =.=" Sigh my difficulty in sleeping is giving me so little sleep and its taking its toll on me. I feel damn awful now. Damn untahanable. I can't even focus in anything I do..


This is not the exact drawing.. Just estimating the area..
Im the red line and the other car is the blue line.. And you see the two yellow boxes which i drawn. Both of those yellow boxes was occupied by car previously... Making the road damn narrow sigh... When turning out from the starting of the red line I didn't see any car coming and thats how the accident happened..

Sigh why does money always have to cause so many problems.. So much money going to fly. And Monday I'm going for holiday with my classmates. Damn.. Strike me at the wrong time really.. :(

What happened to the old me?

I really wonder what happened to the old me? Where's the part of loving to have fun?? Went to cabana just now and all I could do is stand there and also drink abit.. Didn't have to mood to have fun. Sighhh. Watching other people have fun, I feel a little sad that I don't feel the fun at that moment. And recently I just can't hold my temper like last time. Insult/nag me a little and BOOM I feel damn pissed. Not like last time where I can just control my temper. I don't like this at all! Anyways, feeling better now after a short drive around. I don't know but driving somehow makes me feel calm and can help me to cheer up. If only petrol and tolls were cheaper, I'll drive somewhere far and drive back just to feel much better the current state I'm in right now. Or I wish I would have to money to do so. If only I were rich, I won't care about money problem and I will never forget my friends thats for sure. Even my salary last time I brought a few of my friends out to eat some good stuff.. Just only that can't call all..

Internet concept paper on Friday so I better try to study something later. I don't know what to study but well, I'll study the important codes hoping it'll come out in the exam.

"Great"

Just what I needed when I'm having all this shitty problems right now. More nagging and complaining from my mum. Why can't you just freaking leave me alone and let me tide over this crisis instead of making it fucking worse for me. Dammit.

Damn

Sigh Malaysian studies is tomorrow and I still find it hard to study. I can't memorise anything I have read.. And FIFA finals is in 2hrs time.. Tonight will be a sleepless night. I'm going to fail all my papers this semester :(

Last night I was asking my ex-school counsellor for some advice about my problems. She told me:
I have come across 2 cases whereby one of my friend's son, he went to US to study
his degree is 2 yrs. then after one year he came back and told his mum he wanted to take a break because he doesnt want to go back because he kept failing one paper.
so he like shut down and says he will go bck when he is ready
so boh pian, his mother says go get a job with his relatives in JB and therefore he defer his studies. After working for 6 months, he SUDDENLY THINKS THAT HE IS READY TO GO BACK. This time better prepared to face the paper.
His mum was so glad that he went back and finished the last semester and managed to pass the dreaded paper. I am not sure about your case.
Sometimes the actual problem is that you have a mental block.
Sometimes in a short time, this block clears up.
Sometimes you need more time, more exposure to the outside world.
Sometimes it is just that you dont like what you are doing.
Very hard to tell.

So what should I do now? Maybe go work for a few months and see how it goes?
Studies is making me damn frustrated... I can't study at all right now. Just can't find the mood to study. And there's always the cash flow problem. Always so broke. There's so many things that I want but I just control myself and think what I really want to get. But even the things I really want I can't get it.

Spending time with my friends is what I really need. Each time I go out with them, I won't think too much and feel frustrated. The short moment of happiness is what I really need. And now I'm at D'Major with them too. They are the ones that can make me laugh and feel happy :) Thanks buddies!! There's Calvin, Hongsen, Wenjie, Jinhen, Eeyong and Hong Hwee here with me right now. My yumcha kakis hehe.. Love u all buddies.

Update: On the way home just now. Encountered two groups of Mat Rempits on Carrefour and Pandan swerving left and right at slow speeds! They didn't even look out for cars! I nearly bang into those two groups!! Thanks to them I couldn't even take a slow drive home because I don't feel safe with those bastards around me after hearing so many news about Mat Rempits disturbing drivers and creating havoc. Had to speed home WTF.

Leisure Farm Resort

Today went to one of my mum's friend's house inside Leisure Farm Resort. All the houses inside leisure farm resort is huge. I think all the houses there cost few million to build. Her house is so nice! The garden was so big even with the 2 houses there. One of the houses is for the big kitchen and 2 guest rooms. And the other house was the master bedroom. Damn huge. Even had a swimming pool between the 2 buildings. And right at the back, another small house for study room which u have to walk pass the garden to reach to it.

Brought Lavender to play with the poodle there. Lunch was great. My mum's friend cooked fruit salad, grilled potato with fillings, lemon parsley bruschetta( i think its spelled this way =.=") followed by bacon strip with scallop and mussel kebab, and finally pasta.

Anyway, today's exam was crap. Another fail paper again. Sighh. Why is it so hard for me to just concentrate while studying?!!! Damn it. I'm tired of this crap. I try so hard to study but nothing is going in my brain. Useless brain I have =.="

I feel like going back and see that doctor who saw me last time and said that from looking at me she can feel that one day I'll have difficulty studying.. I wanna ask her how did she know that..

And friends, I'm single already so don't keep talking about it k=.=" I really not in the mood for any rl because of the so many problems that I'm facing now. Screwed up life of mine. Life is never fair sighh... I feel like running away from all my problems but this depression is sticking so tightly onto me. :(

Outing

Went for outing at 9 just now and I just reached home. I first thought that we're going to D'Major cafe to drink and eat something but last minute they told me they're going to watch movie.. At first didn't really have the mood for movies. Was feeling damn pressured. I guess my attitude was abit suckish before the movies. Sorry buddies :( But after the movie my mood was much better and we went to JJ to eat something. But overall the outcome of today's outing made me much happier. I hate the fact that my mood keeps changing randomly... One moment I may be happy and the other moment I feel sad or even get agitated. =.="

Going to sleep soon. Later in the morning have to send the car for service. Service overdue already..Night.

Some time ago..

My friend asked me for my opinion whether he/she should tell somebody about something. There’s always a dilemma whether or not to tell the other party about something. My opinion on this is that we shouldn’t bottle up our feelings or what we want to tell someone else. Reason for me having this opinion is because we don’t know how long more we will live in this world. Something might happen anytime and *poof* we’re gone either to heaven or hell. So my advice is, tell that someone about it! Would you rather live a life of regret when you don’t have a chance to tell that someone anymore or tell him/her and see what fate does for us? We shouldn’t live a life of regret.
Just compare by yourself, do you want a life of regret or a chance at being happy? For example, A has a crush on B but A doesn’t dare to tell B about it. Because of this, A feels unhappy and B doesn’t even know anything. Who knows maybe B has a crush on A too? So no harm telling the other party about how you feel. Worst case scenario is B might reject A’s advance but they can still be friends right? Maybe after this case, it may be awkward when they see each other but it’ll soon be gone and life is back to normal with A slowly letting go of the feelings. Trust me, the best decision is to not keep everything to yourself. UNLESS you know that person will murder you or whatever.
There’s so many things we can hide from another person. Feelings, wrongdoings, results, and problems.

After I type this, I feel I never do what I say here. All talk and no action lol.

I’m not directing this post to anyone. It’s for everyone so don’t misunderstand me.

So friends and family, don’t bottle up everything anymore. Share it with others. You wouldn’t want to live a life of regret because you’ll never be happy like that. Live life to the fullest without any regrets!

Today...

Today was my System Designs paper. Didn't study for it because I can't focus and concentrate when trying to study. So I just went in the exam blank minded.. But at least I got to answer a few questions. Way better than not answering at all right. Right before exam started in the exam hall, Ms Rachel
(lecturer) spoke in the microphone and called out my name and Christopher saying that our head of diploma department is looking for us and to find her after exam. I was wondering why was she looking for me. I paid my fees already =.=" So I went to look for her after exam and she talked to me. She found out about my depression problem and asked me why did it happen.

Apparently, my ex-lecturer(Miss Sham) who left Sunway College who knew about my problems told Ms Ong and Ms Rebecca about it. I damn appreciate what you did for me Miss Sham. Ms Rebecca asked me whether I can cope with my studies and whether I need a break from studies for a semester or maybe she will try to reduce the number of subjects for me next semester. I told her I'll wait and see what the doctor says first and I'll decide later on.

Today I feel like writing something which my friend ever asked me about some time ago. Maybe later.

Sigh.

Well, I don't know whether to believe these online tests but after my lecturer suspected me of having signs of depression, I went to take these online tests only to find out that all the tests say I suffer from clinical depression. Wonder whether I should believe it or not. Exams is in 5hours time and I can't get anything done. My brain is blank to studies right now. I guess I really will handup a blank sheet later sigh.

The feeling of being unable to memorise or concentrate at something really sucks. I feel damn frustrated right now.

Today's Programming exam was crap! Couldn't answer anything.. Trying to study didn't work for me. I just can't get anything into my brain.. And each time i start reading the notes I will gaze into thin air and stay like that for damn long. Its not day-dreaming... I just look at the notes and my mind is blank... Anyway I'm going to get some professional opinion from a doctor soon and see how it goes...

There's so many types of depression and I feel that the one I'm suffering from is
Atypical Depression
Atypical depression is a common subtype of major depression. It features a specific symptom pattern, including a temporary mood lift in response to positive events. You may feel better after receiving good news or while out with friends. However, this boost in mood is fleeting. Other symptoms of atypical depression include weight gain, increased appetite, sleeping excessively, a heavy feeling in the arms and legs, and sensitivity to rejection. Atypical depression responds better to some therapies and medications than others, so identifying this subtype can be particularly helpful.

I think so because I really get temporary mood boosts everytime I'm with my friends. Thats y I tend to go out more often. But like the article says, after a few hours back from my outing, my mood is back to bad. It really happens like this thats y i guess its this. And I have been sleeping alot when i don't have classes. Sometimes I can sleep for 12hours and still feel damn tired.

Feeling much better now though! What was supposed to be fetching a friend to collect some photocopy stuff ended up a outing, fetching my friend to town to drink the famous herbal tea, and a trip to the chocolate shop at Stulang before fetching my mum (I bought chocolate :D ) and finally to the pasar malam. I was feeling moody at the beginning but after a while, my mood started to get better and better because my friend makes me laugh! Thanks buddy!!!

Disappointed

I'm so disappointed with myself.. Life in this few months haven't been going really well for me. I don't know how to explain but during this semester of studies, I don't have any mood for studies, feel so tired and frustrated. I went to college just now to study for my programming with my friends, and the outcome of the study is nothing. I don't know whats wrong with me. I can't seem to get the mood and focus on studying. The paper is in about 13hours time from now and I don't know how to answer a single question. Does this mean I'm going to hand in a blank paper?

I didn't learn anything at all this semester. Anyways I'm suspecting depression as commented by my previous lecturer..
I'm damn worried about it. Because it really affected my studies to the point that I won't be able to answer a single thing in exams. I think i really need to see a doctor.

Tania thinks that I really need help. And I feel so too. But who can I turn to? Telling my mum about this may not be the best solution because she will think I'm talking nonsense. I hope I really can find a way to solve my problems as soon as possible because it doesn't feel good to be like this. I can't get anything done!!

I'm back

Back after a long hiatus